7 DAYS LATER
Arriving home yesterday Melinda and I were certainly thankful to sleep in our own place. Traveling is a blast, but familiarity is a friendly welcome to the road weary.
I have an exercise I do when I encounter let down, heartbreak, loss or difficult circumstances. It's not a fix all, but it helps me put stuff into perspective. Seven days after losing our baby I think it is probably the best way to put things in order. I'll publish my perspective...
Exercise: Finish the sentence, "It makes me angry that..."
Answer: It makes me angry that in the final moments before the adoption, after months of preparation (emotionally, financially and otherwise), the birth mother decided to keep the baby. I understand why she kept the baby, but I'm angry Melinda and I were led along for 60 days to believe this was going to happen when in reality I'm now not sure it ever was.
Exercise: Finish the sentence, "I'm ashamed that..."
Answer: I'm NOT ashamed of anything in this situation. Melinda and I did our absolute everything to prepare to adopt this beautiful baby girl. We've got nothing to be ashamed of. If I regret anything I wish I could have protected Melinda from the heartbreak she experienced. Melinda's heart is so sensitive and I wish I could have seen the BIG surprise coming our way.
Exercise: Finish the sentence, "I feel guilty that..."
Answer: I feel guilty that I didn't probe the birth mother further. I mean, when we first met I asked some tough questions believing "if this was from the Lord" not even my insensitive questions would stop it. As the process unfolded I didn't ask the tough questions because the attorney's are suppose to do that. I feel guilty I could have been more actively involved to determine if the birth mother really wanted to give her child up for adoption. I could have avoided so much pain by asking more pointed questions along the way. I'd do it differently next time for sure.
Exercise: Finish the sentence, "I'm afraid that..."
Answer: I'm afraid Melinda and I may live our lives without having children who live in our home. We have dozens of spiritual kids and we are so thankful for each of them. We've impacted many who call us mom and dad. At the same time, we want to impart our whole lives into some of our own and I can't help but be afraid that may never happen. It is possible to be a man of God and be afraid a the same time; in fact, being afraid drives me to my knees in total dependence upon God; friends, that's good fruit.
Exercise: Answer the questions, What are you happy about?
Answer: I am happy we were able to take timeout for a few weeks to gain perspective on our lives. Even without the let down of the baby we were able to talk about our lives and what we want from them. I'm happy we got to break away from the daily grind to dream BIGGER and ask God for more of what He wants for and from us.
Exercise: Answer the questions, What are you grateful for?
Answer: I'm grateful Melinda and I are willing to take risks. I see so many who are afraid to really put themselves out there to see their dreams come true. I am grateful for my wife who stretches herself to the limits to believe God, grow as a woman and strive for her dreams. I am convinced we will never be old people who look back and say, "I wished I woulda..." Thanks Mel, I am grateful for you.
Exercise: Answer the question, What are you proud of?
Answer: I'm proud I've stayed the course with the Lord through tragedy. I've had two specific instances where I could have thrown my arms up walking away from God asking "why." I'm not special or anything, I simply continue to try and understand life as He sees it instead of how I see it. This experience challenged my faith to the core. I had a "moment" with God I've only had one time in my life. The first time (parent's death) I learned God is big enough to handle my rants and anger. This time (losing baby), He confirmed He is big enough to handle my rants and anger. Thank you Lord for loving me even when I wasn't very lovely for those 15 minutes while driving on I-10 in El Paso. I think our human nature is to blame God; in reality, it's not Him. I was mad for a minute, but I'll serve Him for a lifetime.
Exercise: Answer the question, "What are you secure in?"
Answer: I'm secure in the fact that Melinda and I may not have a family. I know I am also afraid of the same thing, but after seven days I've become totally dependant on the Lord. I'm secure in my salvation. Dealing with infertility and then losing an adopted baby would cause anyone to ask, "What is wrong with me!" I did! I got down on my knees and asked, like David, "Test me oh lord..." I asked God for His mercy and grace. I asked Him to reveal anything in my life hindering His work. Then I got up secure in Jesus Christ.
My perspective about life, God and His will was certainly challenged to the core through the loss of our baby, but today I am energized. I still cry when I look at her picture. I still feel empty when I open the door of her room which is all set up, but I'm resolved to find what God has for Jeff and Melinda.
If the birth mom called tomorrow and said, "I made a mistake" I wouldn't hesitate to love that little girl just as much as those 50 hours. I'll never forget the feeling of her head on my chest while she slept and I just looked at her in wonder and awe. As hard as it was, I'd do it again. Those 50 hours changed my life. And, at the same time, I would not do it again. Know what I mean?
I certainly believe God is working something greater in Melinda and I through this. I only hope now we can find the space and time to wring it out. I am convinced these two losses in our life can be used to help so many who encounter such pain.
Seven days later, I'm asking what can I do to help those who lose life? I'm convinced this Sunday it will begin with a message at The Rock Church. For me, it often begins with a message...February 6, 2000 was my first (after my parents), November 11, 2007 will be my second...
